To the Pro-Life Church

This is a topic that's very personal to me, and I've been thinking about for years, but I've never spoken out about. I even wrote this whole post 5 years ago and it’s been sitting in my Drafts folder until now.

I am very aware that the abortion issue is a very sensitive one for many people, and I will do my best to be sensitive to everyone that has had to deal with it in a personal way. I am also aware that this is not a one solution kind of problem. I would like to offer my perspective on what I feel is a very relative, actionable and obvious place to start; let's stop looking down our nose at single moms.

I read an article today by an old friend who I have a lot of respect for. He loves God and his church and family, and the article was quite beautiful, talking about not just sitting around debating politics, but living out your convictions. The idea of getting out and showing up, living out your faith in action; that's something I totally can get behind. The only thing I found slightly off about my friend's article is that I sensed an attitude stirring slightly below the surface, the one that says the reason women want to have these abortions is because they are sex obsessed and very lost. All of these women who would consider having an abortion are never Christians; they can't be, because what they are doing is evil. I see this over and over from Christians; that this problem is coming from a source that is "other," and there's a spirit of waging a war against evil. I think we are missing the obvious. 

I think that is why, even though I absolutely want every single baby to live full term and have a chance at life outside the womb, I haven't ever been very quick to jump behind the "Pro-Life" cause. I don't think these women having abortions are evil or "other" at all. I think they are my sisters, and they have a million different stories and reasons why they feel like they just can't handle not only a baby, but even carrying this baby to term. I don't think they are a different kind of person than I am.

When I ended up single and pregnant, a huge part of me was terrified of how I was going to be judged. I didn't want the awkwardness, the pitying looks, to feel like I was "other," and being talked about behind my back. Amongst the overwhelming thoughts of actually having a baby, I was also dreading everyone around me's reactions. I had been a leader in my youth group all throughout school. Though I hadn't exactly been that youth group girl in a long time, she was still very much a part of me. I didn't go out and get pregnant because I was trying to rebel. I wasn't flipping off God, or deliberately going against my upbringing.

No single mother needs to be told that she chose the more difficult path. God is not going to get confused and think you’re condoning sinful behavior if you don’t walk up to her and point out what you think she did wrong. I've held my sobbing 5 year old in my arms as he asked me, "Why do I have to go to Daddy's this weekend, why doesn't he just live here, I don't want to be away from you" and guess what? I’ve felt the consequences. I don't need you adding to the pile. 

This culture of guilt around single mothers has to stop. Do women have abortions for other reasons? Absolutely. Health care, medical conditions, mental health and a whole slew of other factors come into play. It’s a complicated and nuanced situation with no easy solution. But I genuinely believe that if we could cut out the shame of pregnancy, and fully support these women, we could make a great impact on how many of these babies get to live to term. 

Imagine if every single time someone said “I’m pregnant,” it was greeted with complete joy, FULL STOP. If it was always treated as wonderful news and she felt fully supported. She could decide in a judge-free zone whether she could mother that child herself, or whether she would place the child in a loving adopted home. Being pregnant is hard enough, and hormonal enough, and these women have enough important decisions to make without culture, and more specifically, the church, adding to her worries. 

Let’s love on our sisters who are in this position. Let’s pour hope and support into their lives. Let’s shower them with gifts and prayers and absolutely anything they may need. We love to shower our married friends; let’s go a little extra for the single mamas. I had many people who did this for me, and it made my decision to mother my child (because it is a decision) so much easier. 

Here’s my challenge to you today. If you want something that you as an individual can do to make a change immediately: Change your thought patterns. Imagine what you would say, how you would feel if a single woman in your life told you she was pregnant. Think of someone specific; your best friend, your sister, your daughter. What would your reaction be? Would you hesitate before you told her congratulations, told her you’re 100% there for her, and ask what you can do to help? Remember that a baby is never ever bad news. It is a human life, knitted together by God, no matter what the circumstances. Practice thinking these kind thoughts in your head, and those thoughts will lead to action when you're needed to love and not judge, because I promise that mama-to-be can tell the difference. Also remember that I'm talking true support for the mother, not the "I'll help but I'm also looking down on you because you screwed up" kind. 

Second, find a single mom that you know and offer her some sort of help. Offer to take her kids for the night, drop by some groceries or some clothes or toys for her kiddos. Not like you’re offering charity, but just as a surprise. Give with the spirit of "I see you, I've noticed how hard you're working and I think you're rocking it." Even better, don’t drop it off, stick around and hang out for awhile. Every single mom I know doesn't get enough grown-up interaction.

This is how I think we can make some really amazing change in the world. Every single time you show a single mom kindness and respect and love, you're showing anyone watching that every single life has value, and it's not the end of the world. We should be passing out hope, not condemnation. We really can help, but it's not going to be through passing laws, or through a picket line. It's going to be done the way real change happens; one person, one attitude at a time.