On letting yourself feel sad but also not giving up

I’m missing my kid tonight. For those of you that don't know, Cash spends the entire summer at his dad's house in Oklahoma. That's two whole months when I don't wake up to a "Good morning, Mom!" or get to watch him sleep like I'm some kind of stalker, or anything in between.

His voice sounds so much smaller on the end of a phone line, or the other side of FaceTime. He gets that little quiver in his voice or blinks a bunch when he’s feeling homesick, and it breaks my heart into a million little pieces every time.

The thing is, I know he’s having a good time. I’m not worried about his safety (any more than I worry any time he’s out of my presence) and I know it’s important for him to have experiences with all of his family. That boy is so loved and I’m so so grateful. So it’s okay for us to feel both the missing and be having experiences apart. 

Tonight it got to me for a minute. Every part of me wanted to crawl in bed before the sun went down, and sleep it away. Then I remembered. He deserves better than a mom that’s just calling it in. I can be sad, but I can’t quit life when he’s not here. He deserves a Mama that lives her fullest life, even if that means sitting on the back porch and soaking up the sound of the crickets and the summer air.

Every single thing I do right now makes me stronger. Every time I say “nope” to that pull of crawling under the covers and giving up. 

I will plan and work and keep my house clean. I’ll pay my bills and make some extra money where I can. I’m going to talk to friends and encourage those around me and keep fighting to enjoy every single day.

In our family we have a saying: we do hard things. We get up every morning and keep doing them over and over. When I refuse to drown in these feelings and instead get up and call a friend to encourage them, or make a piece of art for the walls, or go for a run, or write then I’m saying yes to life. I’m becoming more of the person I want Cash to be. 

I don’t want the stress to be all I see or let the chaos win. I refuse to suffocate in it.

I don’t need coping mechanisms or crutches. I will embrace those feelings of sadness or stress, and keep going. I can’t control so many things, but I do have the choice to keep going or sit it out. So that's what I'm choosing tonight, and I hope that when you're in a similar place, you do too.