Safe Spaces

One of the biggest priorities for my home has always been for it to be a place of rest. I want someone to walk in and feel comfortable. I have spent a lot of time and energy and prayer over the years to try and make it feel this way. I’ve rearranged furniture, bought soft throws, painted, played with lighting, burned candles, and done a lot of vacuuming. I personally refinished my giant dining room table and 6 chairs, praying over each step as I went, for each person that would be sitting around it down the road. I think I’ve done a decent job, though to me it’s always a work in progress. 

This week I started reading Maria Goff’s book, Love Lives Here: Finding What You Need in a World Telling You What You Want. I’ve learned so many wonderful things, but today’s lesson was this: The words I say have more impact on whether someone feels safe in my home (or my presence) than anything else. If I am constantly nagging my son to pick up his mess the second we get home, then I’m not allowing him the space he needs to unwind from a long day. We should be careful how many suggestions or complaints we share.

“Say fewer obvious things and more encouraging ones.” -Maria Goff

As a mother, I know it’s my duty to provide my son with guidance, and teach him how to not be a complete slob. I want him to learn manners and respect for others and I really want him to grow out of his habit of throwing his underwear across the room. But there is a time and place for all of that.

Sometimes I catch myself saying things just to say them. And he notices. Just last week he told me, “Mom, sometimes you tell me not to do stuff, and I wasn’t even doing it in the first place!” It’s like an ingrained response that makes me feel like I’m being a responsible parent. “Watch out, don’t spill your drink.” “Don’t knock over that lamp.” I get on to him for things that haven’t even happened yet.

I still feel like this kind of preventative instruction can have its place, in moderation. But when it becomes a reflex habit and is said too much without purpose, the person in question starts to feel like you don’t trust them to do anything right.

I think this can easily apply to everyone that enters your home. You may be a little better about holding your tongue with a guest than you would with a significant other, child, or roommate, but it’s so important to remember to treat those closest to you with extra special care. If we want to create a safe space for people to come, we should remember to build up, replenish and encourage more often than we “help” them with advice and instructions.