My Evangelical Deconstruction Journey
The inciting incident
Several months ago, on an otherwise mundane Saturday evening, one of my closest and oldest friends sent me a text informing me that, due to her religious beliefs and understanding of scripture, she could no longer maintain a friendship with me. No more late-night texts, swapping parenting advice, marveling over how cute our kids are, or leaning on each other when life gets tough.
She’s chosen to break my heart and cut me out of her life because, with all of her heart, she believes that’s what God is telling her to do.
I've heard of situations where people are excluded from their loved ones' lives due to religious differences, but I never thought it would happen to me. My friend and I have been close for more than 35 years. We were both brought up in the same church and attended the same colleges. Despite job changes and moves, we've always managed to stay in touch; even when our beliefs started to diverge greatly. Managing and processing the trauma of all of this prompted me to dive into deconstructing my faith once again.
My Deconstruction Journey
Over the years, I have gradually distanced myself from organized religion. It started about 15 years ago when I stopped working full-time in a church's media ministry and eventually stopped attending services regularly. At one point, I attempted to reconnect with the Southern Baptist church I grew up in, but too much had changed for me to feel comfortable. I no longer fit the prototype, and although no one was overtly rude, I didn’t feel like I fit into their community anymore.
I moved on with my life, made good friends, and online I found a community of authors and artists to follow who were my teaching pastors. Sarah Bessey. Shauna Niequist. Jen Hatmaker. Propaganda. LeCrae. Glennon Doyle. Quietly, I have learned to live by a new faith, which is different from the one I grew up with but still genuine. When it came to certain matters, such as affirming the LGBTQ+ community, I relied on my instincts rather than backing up my beliefs with scripture. I didn't feel the need to defend my faith through arguments but rather followed what felt right within me. This was a refreshing change from my upbringing, but as someone who enjoys research and facts, I knew I’d need to address the issues with scripture eventually.
Digging deeper again
In the few texts I exchanged with my friend before I stopped responding, she was distraught- she didn’t want to break ties but felt so strongly that the scripture she was reading was clear and should be taken literally. The verse said she was not to associate with other Christians committing this specific list of sins. She asked me to scour other scriptures and please show her if she was wrong.
It was a terrible feeling to be put on the spot and asked to come up with scripture to quote so that she would continue being my friend. I ultimately refused to attempt it and said goodbye. The loss was painful, but I made the decision not to engage further.
Since then, I've been pondering some important questions. For instance, do I believe that every word of the Bible is applicable to modern times and should be taken literally? If not, how do I determine which parts are relevant? Isn’t it also our responsibility to use our God-given logic, the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and prayer to discern what's true? Additionally, I'm reflecting on my beliefs and considering what ideas were shaped by culture and people seeking power versus what truly comes from God.
Where I am in my faith journey
My journey has been an interesting one and mostly positive, thanks to the support of those I choose to confide in. Separating myself from the evangelical community has helped a lot. Lately, I’m weary of seeing so-called Christians in the news and how an entire faith is coming to be represented by a singular political worldview. Watch a town meeting and see the most militant citizens as the first (and only) to quote scripture. Being a follower of Christ does not require us to force out other religions, vote Republican, paste the Ten Commandments everywhere, or promote a Westernized worldview.
My faith in God leads me to support other cultures, practice consent-based parenting, and vote accordingly. Watching the News often brings sadness and anger, especially when it's professing Christians who cause the most pain. I understand why many are abandoning religion entirely. For now, I’ve decided to distance myself from mainstream Christian culture but continue to pray and live in the way I feel called. I share this in hopes of reassuring others that there are valid paths to God beyond what is commonly promoted.
I have provided links to books and individuals who have contributed to my personal growth. Feel free to use these resources or find your own. Additionally, if we have a personal connection and you ever want to engage in a warm and open conversation, I am always available to chat.
Resources that have helped me deconstruct from the evangelical faith
Jesus and John Wayne (if you only choose one, start here)
I will continue to add to this list as more come to mind.